Denise

 

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

By Joe Zefran

 

 

Dear Editor,

 

            My name is Ritchie Costa-Hawkins.  I am a developer in the wonderfully prosperous city of Los Angeles and I am supporting Tom LaBonge for 4th District City Councilman.

 

            My decision was not an easy one.  Many of the candidates in this special election September 11th promise to protect my interests.  Former State Senator David Roberti has a long record of standing up for the little business guy like me.  However, he made it harder for me to shoot mountain goats on vacation, so he was quickly scratched off my list.

 

            Beth Garfield is also an appealing candidate.  Her growing and bulging war chest proves that she likes the smell and impact of campaign contributions.  I also like her support of the death penalty and three-strikes law because it will keep my buildings free "their kind."  While I have no doubts that her alleged support of labor is a mere rouse to gain their support, I cannot take any chances as unions across the city make me hire their high-priced people instead of cheap immigrant labor.

 

            Ferris Wehbe made this an especially tough choice.  His past record as a Hollywood Secessionist shows he is dedicated to destroying the old to bring in the new.  He loves developers, but is already in the pocket of James Acevedo, the most powerful developer man in town.  No point trying to compete with him.

 

            There are others I briefly considered as well.  Linda Lockwood does a good job of hiding her pro-development stripes to the more na‹ve progressive voters (aka Hahn voters), but she's not major enough for me. 

 

            The one candidate I didn't consider at all was Denise Munro Robb.  She's an obvious troublemaker, a renter and led a protest July 21st against the eviction of some rent-control tenants.  Her campaign has come up with this crazy "Tenants' Bill of Rights" thing too.  I don't know what it is, or why tenants think they deserve rights, but it sounds like one less yacht for me.

 

            All of those reasons, and more, is why I'm supporting Tom LaBonge.  He will carry on the proud and influenced tradition of John Ferraro.  He will help us developers with the government money we need to build our beautiful luxury apartments.  In fact, I have this one awesome project I'm working on.  The building looks just like it's out of "Miami Vice" (my favorite show) and Tom put his support behind it the same day I contributed to his campaign.

 

            Tom LaBonge - business                        over people.

            Ritchie Costa-Hawkins

            Hancock Park

 

Dear Editor,

            I'm confused.  David Roberti is a good progressive leftie, right?  That's what I've heard and his stance on gun control certainly tells me that.  But if that's the case, why does he also have a record against wonderful things like the environment and abortion rights?

 

            Lately, he's been on this waste management commission and they actually approved a new landfill right next to Joshua Tree National Park.  Disgusting!  Plus, he openly admits that he's against abortion rights. 

 

            Even with gun control, you'd think he'd be getting up at every debate and saying he champion the city's current lawsuit against gun manufacturers, but only Denise Munro Robb is saying that.

 

            David Roberti - doesn't sound like a progressive to me.

            Starchild Jones

            Silverlake

 

Dear Editor,

            Why is Beth Garfield so boring?  Accountants, sure.  Funeral Directors, absolutely.  But our representatives in government?  Come on.  I want someone who is willing to stand on her desk during a city council meeting and demand government accountability. 

 

            The most interesting thing Beth Garfield says at a debate is that she was student body president at Stanford University.  Unfortunately, she says that four or five times during a debate and it gets a little old.

 

            Her views are OK, I guess.  She's pro-labor, but so is Denise Munro Robb and if there's ever a candidate who isn't boring, it's Denise.  Plus, Denise doesn't support the death penalty or three-strikes law like Beth Garfield does.

           

Beth Garfield - a cure for insomnia.

            Chippy McZeile

            Melrose

 

Dear Editor,

            I would like to urge the voters of the 4th District in Los Angeles to not vote for Denise Munro Robb.  She is messing up my master plan.

 

            It all started in 1999, when I hit Paul Wellstone across the back with a rebar, thus crippling him from being a real choice in the Democratic primary.  With Wellstone out, all that was left was a centrist loser like Al Gore.  Of course, even he was hard to beat, but we had plenty of money and relatives in Florida to send a little sunshine our way.

 

            Subsequently, my first six months have been going well.  I have the American people lulled into a consumerist coma (thanks to Clinton for helping me with that) and the media is emphasizing all of my crazy ideas like drilling in Alaska so I can get the quiet, more profitable ones passed through Congress.

 

            Jim Jeffords almost messed up my plans.  Who would have thought that calling his wife a douche bag would cause him to leave the Republican Party?  But now, there's another wrench to monkey up the machine: Denise Munro Robb.

 

            She stands for really repulsive things like tenant rights, protecting the Ballona Wetlands and increasing reproductive rights funding at the LA Free Clinic.  Normally, I would love her stance on neighborhood control, but all of her neighbors are peace-lovin' hippie types who stand up for freedom and against globalization and gentrification.

 

            I am trying to dumb down the American public so that my friends can make lots of money, but candidates like Denise just want to mess it all up.

           

            George W. Bush

            Washington, DC